This is the story of our Angel Baby, and how his short life had such a huge impact.  I hope everyone will be able to take a little something from this article. 

The story of my nephew, my families Angel Baby, Christian. 

A new baby is always a blessing in our family, so needless to say when we found out about this new little addition we were more than ecstatic. Around my sister's 20th week, I got the privilege of accompanying her to her ultrasound appointment. Alicia, my sister & our Angels mommy, was adamant about not finding out the sex of the baby, me being the "gotta know to prepare" aunt, peeked at the screen and clearly knew the baby was to be boy. Alicia knew I figured it out & begged to know. She was elated, as she already had two girls a boy was something she secretly wished for. 

We also found out at that time that she had placenta previa, which is when the placenta isn't secured to the uterine wall properly. 

On December 20, at her scheduled visit, they had told her she was 2 cm dilated and the doctors offered to induce labor so that she could have the ultimate gift for Christmas, her new son home! Of Course we were all thrilled & since she was full term we all were very supportive of her decision to go ahead with it. We all rushed around buying him his first christmas gifts, his mom bought his first stocking and ornament and off she went to the hospital, this was on December 22nd. In the two days leading up to this baby's arrival, I went to her home & began sterilizing bottles, washing baby clothes, setting up the bassinet, diaper stacker, wipes, bath stuff & all was ready. 

Now all we needed was Christian home. Now the day was here, and we could do nothing but wait for that call. A call that would change our lives forever. After 9 hours in labor, Christian Greager Rapisarda was born, however, when my mother called us, she didn't sound like an excited new "mammy". She was more choked up, so off to the hospital my father and I headed to see what was going on. 

I will never forget walking through the double doors to labor and delivery, and quickly being swept up by a distraught looking nurse. She quickly took me to my sisters bedside, who looked obviously very ill & grief stricken. The nurse quickly explained to us that Christian was not breathing when he was born and had to be whisked away and my sister was rushed off to the operating room due to the excessive bleeding she was having due to the placenta being stuck. 

I learned the hospital in which she delivered had called a doctor in from Newark Beth Israel and was taking him there to run further tests as they had just diagnosed Christian with CDH. Before he left for Newark, they allowed me & my parents in to see him while they prepped him for his journey. I was able to give him sweet kisses & take a couple pictures of him, to which now I am so grateful that I did because the outcome was not the one we expected. 

Later that evening, the doctors called my sister, who was still in Perth Amboy & told her due to the CDH & heart problems there was nothing they could do to save her precious baby. 

On December 23 at 2:00 am Christian took his last breath. 

I will never forget the moment i learned of his passing. Morning came, and my doorbell rang, as I walked towards the door on that cold December day, all I remember is seeing my fathers face, and i just KNEW. It was over, this baby that we waited for and already loved so much was sleeping, forever amongst the angels. No words were exchanged between us, we just turned our separate ways in despair. I went to my room, and I screamed, I cried and I was out of control. I was not able to be consoled. How could this be? He looked so perfect, it couldn't be possible. But sadly, it was. 

Now, comes the hardest part...we now have to learn to live with out this special little person who we all loved & already seemed to know. My sister, his mommy, had to go home, to the place filled with gifts, a crib & all the things for a new baby. Instead of dressing her little boy in that adorable baby green outfit her and his daddy picked out to bring him home in, she had to go to the funeral home & drop it off for him to be buried in. 

Christmas Eve was the day we buried our angel. We had chose to have no viewing/wake and had our local priest Father Stan perform a sermon graveside. 

Father Stan said so many heartfelt passionate words, he had expressed them so perfectly not only for this little angel, but for the whole family. We buried Christian next to his paternal grandfather, which made us all feel a bit easier to know he was with someone that would love him as much as we do. 

Coping seemed to get harder as the days went on. no one in our family had ever suffered such a loss so we had no idea of how to grieve, how to ease some of our intense pain. His mommy would go missing for hours at a time & we never knew where to find her, until finally I decided to be brave and check the grave, where her son lay. Snow covered the ground, but as I got closer, there she lay, all bundled up on her babies grave asleep. She had done this countless times-I left her be. Words were of no comfort to me, and I was only his aunt so surely there was nothing I could say to comfort his mommy. But as time went on we started to find new ways to express our emotion, to celebrate the blessing of having him in our lives even if for only hours. 

We take balloons every birthday, as a family & release one for every year he's been in our lives. We plant flowers, leave little gifts and even keep a waterproof box to hold cards and letters and pictures. 

I can honestly say that this if nothing else...I had the privilege of kissing a real live angel. He was on earth for only hours but not a day passes that his name does not come up. 

To those of you who are blessed with a child who there is hope, help & a cure for I am truly happy for you. But for those who have lost & now have "angels babies" just know this, from my families experience, no time does not heal all wounds, however. the best advice I can offer on behalf of myself and my family...do what feels right to you. Do not worry nor be concerned that your "actions" are not the norm. We light a Christmas tree yearly graveside, plant flowers seasonal & even decorate for halloween and easter! We bring all his cousins & sibling for every holiday and have learned over the years that this is okay. This is a good thing that we all celebrate the life of this baby, it helps to ease the trauma of his death. Embrace your memories, & the time if only hours that you have with your miracle. This baby was real, he was ours to love and always will be. I pray that all families affected by CDH find comfort, peace & acceptance... But most of all, I pray for a cure. 

Thank you for hearing the story of our Angel Baby Christian. 

"A moment in our lives, a lifetime in our hearts" author unknown 

Until we meet again Angel... 

Aunt Chelle